My F#cking Truth...

What do I say about myself and my personal recovery?

You want something cliche?

What can i say that y'all haven't heard a thousand times?

Do I tell you how being in recovery is all "cupcakes and rainbows?"

Because it's not, there are days, more than I'd like to admit, that I absolutely can not stand being in recovery!

See, we as addicts get all these "Recovery Rocks" and "Sober is Sexy" type shit shoved down our throats and it makes me want to puke.

I shake my head and roll my eyes every time I see or hear that bull shit.

I mean, does Recovery really "rock?" For real? Is it fun?

FUCK NO!!

It's hard work, it's boring as hell and highly depressing at times and it's surely NOT sexy!!

Those of you who are addicts that are in recovery, do me a favor. I want you to stop and think about when you first got clean. Anything fun or rock about that? How's your mental health, even after being in recovery for awhile?

Recovery is messy as fuck isn't it?

I mean let's get real about it....

I see nothing sexy or fun about any of it.

Look, I'm not here to sugar coat a damn thing about active addiction or recovery, I'm here to tell you my story and tell it truthfully, so with that being said yes I feel that some days being in recovery suck!!

I do want you to know that not everyone feels like I do about getting clean.

For the majority of addicts its wonderful, I mean like it's a magical wonderland of new life, for me not so much.

I guess, and yes I'm guessing I have no statistic to back me up here, I'm one of the statistics you don't hear much about.

I am happy that I'm clean, don't get me wrong! I was killing myself and couldn't get a grip on life to save my own.

But now I am bored out of my fucking mind. I live in a very small southern town in middle Tennessee and there is nothing to do around here other than get high, get drunk or go fuck.

When I was using meth, the last 4 year's of my active addiction I literally had a blast! I had alot of fun with alot of people and people were around at all times, I'm a natural social butterfly and for me the more people the merrier! Now, I hate people and am not to big on socializing anymore. At all!!

Now, I look at the same room day in and day out. Alone. With my thoughts. My sober thoughts at that. The same thoughts that I used drugs to forget.

When I was using strictly opiate pain pills and the occasional benzo my two daughters were growing up and my home was always full of laughter, love and girl drama. Our house was where all my daughter's friends came to hang out and there was ALWAYS something going on or some mischief at play.

I loved raising my two girls and their friends as well.

But, as life tends to happen kids grow up and being home with Mama isn't as fun nor a priority anymore.

And. That. Right. There. Killed. Me.

When they were babies at times I'd think I can't wait for it to be quiet one day.

Well, that day came and the silence is still to this day the loudest sound I've ever heard.

That's where the appeal of the meth scene came in and the meth scene is a never ending drama fest!

The world is a different place through the eyes of a tweaker!!

Tweaker drama is never ending and the best part is many times it's not real....

Like no Rob the F.B.I is not watching us inside this house with all the blinds shut and doors locked.

As it tends to happen, like with any other drug scene, eventually the things that drew me in became the very things that made me leave the lifestyle.

Yeah, it's fun untill it's not.

The feelings, I started using meth to numb, became harder and harder to keep at bay therefore I used more and more drugs to be happy.....and that rarely ends well for anyone.

The cycle is endless, exhausting and never ending.

So if I've ever stood behind one of those you cliche recovery sayings I hate so much I've got one for you -

"Just say no!"

Your life depends on it!

Jena Lynn