FADED TIMES.

I want to show the experience of addiction through the eyes of an addict, the good, the bad and for sure the ugly!!

We all can relate on so many levels.... the sleepless nights, never feeling good enough or loved and wanted, the feeling of letting everyone you love down and so many other struggles.

Addiction is hard and all consuming and it's nice to have someone who gets it and has been there who you can share your stories with, so thats the point of the following page.

I will share my truthful experiences with y'all and invite you to do the same.

You can email your stories to me and I can post them below for you, anonymously if you'd like or i can add your name....Totally your choice!

Or you can just talk to me privately.

I promise to not break your trust and post your story here for views or likes. Confidentitalty and trust both are very important to me.

Sharing may help someone else, if not I guarantee talking about yor experince will help you though!

If nothing else I hope you enjoy, get a good laugh and maybe learn something from my crazy times that im about to let the world read!!

HOW I DEFINE ADDICTION.

It's shakes.

Cold sweats.

Hot flashes.

Your nerves are literally on end, you feel every small breeze on your skin and it gives your whole body chills.

You feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest, yet you haven't gotten out of bed yet or moved from the spot you have been laying in all day not even attempting to sleep.

That spot which has now become your worst enemy is where you return to over and over after you drag your ass to the bathroom so you can dry heave so hard your stomach muscles literally ache or throw up what little Gatorade you have managed to sip on throughout the day.

What about sleeping it off you non experienced ones might ask?

Funny!

Sleep does not exist when your going thru withdrawals.

Instead it's miserable tossing.

Turning.

Sweats.

No, but your cold now.

Sudden Charlie Horse's so painful you have to jump out of bed and jump around to get them to stop.

It's having restless leg syndrome so bad that your partner or children can't sleep next to you because you won't stop moving or God forbid accidentally kick or elbow them whilst having a spasm.

It's laying in bed and crying because the withdrawals are horrible.

It's crying because you hate yourself and hate the fact that you have done this to yourself and can't stop.

Its crying because of the guilt you feel because you know your dealer is going to be your first priority as soon as the sun rises.

It's being so broke that you don't care to beg, plead, offer up your paycheck for the week even thou It's your rent money, car payment or maybe it's your food stamp card this time.

Whatever. To. Make. It. Stop.

Anything just to get those damn withdrawals gone for that day not even worrying about the next day because you have told yourself that when you do finally score your drugs "I'm done after today, no more!"

That is untill you hear those damn birds chirping cheerfully the next morning and think what the fuck are they so happy about at 5:30am?

Damn birds right?

It was always those fucking birds that set me off!

If they would shut up I'd go back to sleep!

Instead tiny chills start to come up your legs like a cold finger tracing your body leaving a trail of cold goosebumps, the pit in your stomach aches and your hands violently shake reminding you that you have no drugs for the day.

Alll of this is happening before you can even open your eyes to glance at the clock to see if you can call your dealer now.

But wait!

You can't because that handful of pills, shot of heroin, line of blow or bowl of meth you blew your rent money on was supposed to be the last of it, you were done!

No more you promised yourself.

No more sounded like a great idea while you were high but again your hit with cold sweats, shakes, you feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest....and the previous day literally repeats itself.

Repeats not only for a day or two, but years, in some case's like mine decades.

I lived like this for over twenty years, day after day.

Drug addiction is an endless cycle

MEH METH.

I've had 2 MAJOR psychosis episodes during my active 4 years of meth useage.

I say during my use instead of due to my use.

Ill explain why and then tell you about them.

Anyone who has not slept or properly cared for themselves for days at a time is going to eventually have a psychotic episode. Your body, on meth or not can not function correctly without sleep and/or nutrients.

I'd be willing to bet that if a completely drug free individual were deprived of any ONE, not to mention several, of our basic human needs that some sort of psychosis would still occur. Don't sleep for 15 days combine it with hardly eating then come back to me and tell me about the "Bush monkeys" you saw in your yard at 3am or how the FBI has been following you for some unknown reason. I'd also be willing to bet that your friends and family are conspiring against you too...Lol.

Sleep deprivation is a bitch ya'll and meth psycosis will come for you sooner or later, so take care of yourself while doing any kind of drug meth especially!!

PSYCHOSIS

part 1

My first episode was scary but mildly.

I had been up for 13 days on my first "good" binge and had laid down to go to sleep. When I closed my eyes I was fully aware of my surroundings and that a guy whom I was newly seeing we will call him "Barney" but known since high school (20 years) was next to me. We had laid like that for about 10 days prior to this nite and he slept but I never did And he was always nothing less than a perfect gentleman never trying any thing inappropriate with me, EVER!

Well this particular night I was feeling frisky and he wanted to sleep and it pissed me off, I drifted off very briefly and felt him kiss the back of my neck (for real, I hadn't entered psychosis yet) I pulled away because he had turned me down moments prior.

Well, during this few minutes of time my brain flipped its switch and I thought he was someone else, I wasn't rejecting him just laughing and saying that who I thought he was reminded me of "Barney" and I wanted to take him to our favorite camping spot to show him how me and "Barney" would go there to hang out and look at the stars together.

Barney kept telling me that no we were not camping and he was Barney not this other guy i thought he was. I was not having any of it!

He was not Barney in my head, well he had to get up and go to the bathroom leaving me alone in his dark bedroom that I thought was a dark ass camp site in the middle of the woods ALONE!!

YEAH....

I freaked the fuck out.

Like bat shit crazy.

I thought this not Barney guy had taken me out to this campsite in the woods and left me there to die.

Barney finally calmed me down and I eventually went to sleep but was still highly confused the next morning.

But y'all, the episode was so real I swear I felt the cool wind blow across my face and I smelled the campfire vividly!!

It was crazy!

PSYCHOSIS

part 2

My next episode I had been up for 9 days and was shooting around 2 to 1.5 grams of meth a day and taking benzos too. This time I was alone in a spare bedroom in the dope house we all hung out at. I was always comfortable there and never had any reason to believe anyone would hurt me.

Well, I dozed off and got startled awake by loud thumping music, then I heard laughter coming from my friends, all males might I add.

All of a sudden I start to panic thinking they are gonna give me a "hot shot" and take advantage of me.

Like 8 guys and just me.

So again I freak the fuck out.

But this time I jumped up grabbed my clothes I had everywhere (I had stayed there for a few nights) stormed out of the bedroom screaming at all of them and throwing meth pipes, dope straws, empty bags and a few not so empty bags of dope.

That understandably set them off to see all the dope we had go flying all over the house....

I mean it rained meth in that house.

One tried to calm me down and I started to swing on him, had it not been for one of the other guys I would have probably broke his nose.

So here I am making it rain dope and charging these poor guys like a bull.

I finally ran out the front door, crying, scared for my life and I kept running up the street....

From Absolutely nobody and for no reason.

Meth can and will make you act stupid at least once.

It's not fun.

Just say no y'all...

Edit* I have set here and laughed myself stupid reading this back but at the time I was scared and someone really coulda gotten hurt.

Y'all if you must use meth please eat and sleep.

Take care of yourself!!

RIG REGRETS

Y'ALL, DO NOT EVER SHOOT METH!

I always heard the warnings, saw the after school specials on T.V and those "Not even once" commercials and never really put much thought or paid too much attention to them.

Not me, i'll never go down that road.

I hate needles and am a very hard stick, meaning it can take several nurses, lab techs and doctors to get an IV started on me at the hospital.

That being said I NEVER, EVER thought I'd use a needle.

But unfortunately I did and it quickly became a daily thing, almost an obsession.

I would go to whatever length necessary to reach that ultimate high.

Mainly and carelessly I used needles after other people.

Ladies and Gentlemen this is a BIG no no!

I was very lucky to have not contracted any kind of disease, as of today nothing has shown up in any blood tests I've received.

The future may hold different results though, it can take several years for things to show up. I regret using dirty needles every day of my sober life, I have so much life left to live and so much more hell to raise before its over...