How I define addiction (part one)

Shakes.

Cold sweats.

Hot flashes.

Your nerves are literally on end, you feel every small breeze on your skin and it gives your whole body chills.

You feel like you have run a 5k marathon and your heart is going to beat out of your chest even though you haven't gotten out of bed yet or moved from the spot you have been laying in all day.

You've not even attempted to sleep.

That spot, which has now become your worst enemy, is where you return to over and over after you drag your ass to the bathroom so you can dry heave untill your stomach muscles ache.

Or so you can throw up what little Gatorade or liquids you have managed to sip on throughout the day.

What about sleeping it off? A non experienced one might ask?

Funny!

Sleep does not exist when your going through withdrawals.

The only thing that exists is misery

Tossing and turning.

Flipping your pillow over and over trying to find the cool side.

Being so hot your literally soaking your clothes and bed sheets.

Laying there soaked in sweat untill a breeze runs over you and your freezing all over again.

Charlie Horse's so painful you have to jump out of bed and jump around to get them to stop.

It's having restless leg syndrome so bad that your partner or children can't sleep next to you because you won't stop moving or God forbid accidentally kick or elbow one of them whilst having a spasm.

It's laying in bed and crying because the withdrawals are so horrible.

It's crying because you hate yourself and hate the fact that you have done this to yourself and can't stop.

Its crying due to the guilt you feel because  you know your dealer is going to be your first priority as soon as the sun rises.

It's being so broke that you don't care to beg, plead, offer up your paycheck for the week even thou it's your rent money, car payment or maybe it's your food stamp card this time.

Whatever. To. Make. It. Stop.

Anything  just to get those damn withdrawals gone for that day.

It's not stopping and worrying about the next day and how your going to feel tomorrow because you have told yourself that when you do finally score your drugs "I'm done after today, no more!"

That is untill you hear those damn birds chirping cheerfully the next morning and think what the fuck are they so happy about at 5:30am?

Damn birds right?

It was always those fucking birds that set me off!

If they would shut up I'd go back to sleep! I'd always say in vain.

Instead tiny chills start to come up your legs like a cold finger tracing your body leaving a trail of cold goosebumps, as the pit of your stomach begins to ache and your hands start to shake reminding you that you have no drugs for the day.

All of this is happening before you can even open your eyes to glance at the clock to see if you can call your dealer.

But wait!

You can't because that handful of pills, shot of heroin, line of blow or bowl of meth you blew your rent money yesterday was supposed to be the last of it, you were done!

No more you promised yourself.

No more sounded like a great idea while you were high but again your hit with cold sweats, shakes, you feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest, dry heaves and you know the rest of the withdrawal symptoms are not far behind.

Then the previous day literally repeats itself.

Repeats not only for a day or two, but for weeks, months, even years, in some case's.

Mine was decades. 

I lived like this for over twenty years, day after day, year after year.

My life was an endless cycle.