FADED TRUTH'S 

What can I say about me and my personal recovery? 

Something that y'all haven't heard a thousand times?

Do I tell you how being in recovery is all "cupcakes and rainbows?"

Because it's not, there are days, more than I'd like to admit, that I absolutely can not stand being in recovery!

See, we as addicts get all these "Recovery Rocks" and "Sober is Sexy" type shit shoved down our throats and it makes me want to puke.

I roll my eyes every time I see or hear that bull shit.

I mean, does Recovery really "rock?"

FUCK NO!!

It's hard work, it's boring as hell and severly depressing at times and it's surely NOT sexy!!

Those of you who are addicts that are in recovery, do me a favor. I want you to stop and think about when you first got clean. How sexy was that? Lol, not very was it?

How do you feel about sober fun?

Do you like going to bars, parties, etc and being the only sober one there or do you just do as I do and stay home bored 99% of the time? 

I see nothing sexy or fun about any of those situations!

Look, I'm not here to sugar coat a damn thing about active addiction or recovery, I'm here to tell you my story and tell it truthfully, so with that being said yes some days being in recovery suck!!

BUT......

I do want you to know that not everyone feels like I do about getting clean.

For the majority of addicts its wonderful, I mean like it's a magical wonderland of new life, for me not so much.

I guess, and yes I'm guessing I have no statistic to back me up here, I'm one of the statistics you don't hear much about.

I am happy that I'm clean, don't get me wrong! I was killing myself and couldn't get a grip on life to save my own.

But now I am bored out of my fucking mind. I live in a very small southern town in middle Tennessee and there is nothing to do around here other than get high, get drunk or go fuck. 

When I was using meth, the last 4 year's of my active addiction I literally had a blast! I had alot of fun with alot of people and those people were around at all times, I'm a natural social butterfly and for me the more people the merrier!

Now, I look at the same room day in and day out. Alone. With my thoughts. My sober thoughts at that. The same thoughts that I used drugs to forget. 

When I was using strictly opiate pain pills and the occasional benzo my two daughters were growing up and my home was always full of laughter, love and girl drama. Our house was where all my daughter's friends came to hang out and there was ALWAYS something going on or some mischief at play.

I loved raising my two girls and their friends as well.

But, as life tends to happen kids grow up and being home with Mama isn't as fun nor a priority anymore.

And. That. Right. There. Killed. Me.

When they were babies at times I'd think I can't wait for it to be quiet one day. Well, that day came and the silence was deafening, the silence is so sad, I'm not sure if I will ever get used to it....

Meth and the meth scene filled that silence with laughter again.

Laughter and excitement!

Oh Lord at the tweaker drama!

That damn drama! Lol! 

The world is a different place thru the eyes of a tweaker!

So much drama, yeah the drama was real just real petty!

As it tends to happen, like with any other drug scene, eventually the things that drew me in became the very things that made me leave the lifestyle.

Yeah, it's fun untill it's not.

The feelings, I started using meth to numb, became harder and harder to keep at bay therefore I used more and more drugs to be happy.....and that rarely ends well for anyone as it didn't for me either. I am now and more than likely will be on Suboxone for the rest of my life....

For real kids DON'T START USING, EVER!

Jena Lynn

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